Barriers to Relationship Intimacy, Part 2....

4. Resentment and begrudgement invites wounding and sniping.

Resentment is an angry feeling towards another who you judge has significantly mistreated you. Resentment can go from a pre-occupation into an obsession that last for a lifetime. Resentment can also grow into begrudgement, which is a focus of ill will that objects to the good fortune of another. At worst, it is a wish for the suffering of someone who has hurt you.

When people in a relationship harbor resentment for each other, their emotional field becomes a hot zone with ongoing risks of flare-ups, arguments, and enmity. Minor problems become enlarged fights because the pre-existing resentments and begrudgements find a foothold and ignite into a firestorm of controversy.

Just like cigarettes, resentment and begrudgement are poisons. They should be prevented or extinguished as soon as possible. The best way of preventing these poisonous feelings is through the use of effective relationship skills. The best ways of extinguishing them is through a effective conflict resolution.


5. Unwillingness to take behavioral ownership creates scapegoats and destroys a partnership.
In my recent work with a gay couple, one partner claimed to feel free to flirt with the waiters in the café's of South Beach, right in the presence of his significant other. When that significant other spoke up and voiced his discomfort over the flirting, he was chided as being narrow-minded, possessive, and insecure. The flirting partner took no responsibility for his behavior. Where is the basis for a healthy trusting partnership?


6. Too much historical baggage creates relationship cynicism and distorts the present moment.
One of the worst caricatures of this barrier is the multiply divorced person who is lost in a fog of chronic bitterness towards the opposite sex. They appear unable to see truly new experiences. All they can offer are generalizations that prove to meager, clumsy, and incorrect in navigating the world of relationships. If they can see their baggage and dump it, they can lead freer lives.



7. Mockery and devaluation of your partner kills love.

Couples want to be esteemed by each other. There is no excuse whatsoever for diminishing your partner. Mockery and devaluation are inevitably symptoms of anger, resentment, personal insecurity, fear, personal unhappiness, or pathological narcissism. If you feel the urge to put your partner down, refrain from it, and try to find the source of this impulse. This will generally involve some unfinished personal ore relationship business. Giving in to the impulse to mock and devalue your partner will eventually cause their love for you to wither away and die.



8. Addictive behavior creates damage, mistrust, and pain in a relationship.


This topic has been discussed elsewhere [special conditions in relationships] yet it will help to repeat some basic facts.

* no relationship can ever attain health in the presence of active addiction;

* anyone who knowingly pairs up with an active addict is as sick and crazy as the addict;

* addiction is incurable, but manageable when the addict is involved in some form of 12 Step program. At a minimum, this requires going to meetings, getting a sponsor, working the Steps, and doing service. You should also be aware that psychotherapy alone as a treatment for addiction is woefully inadequate.